Five Signs: You’re in The Seinfeld Campus Tour Bus

Geography Essay
Photos and captions by Nathan Mattise

College (and post-college limbo) is a time for excessive sleeping, partying, *studying*…. and traveling. It’s one of the finer points of college because there are no real commitments to hold you back. So in the spirit of good roadtrip, In the Pursuit of the Trivial offers the Five Signs series. It’s a photo-documentary account from an exotic location done through the signs ready to greet every and all tourists. Today, welcome to Scranton, Pa – first stop on the Seinfeld campus tour.

Random, right?

I know I have yet to write a Five Signs for my hometown but when this bus comes rolling in … any pop-culture-aficionado must attend. Scranton’s day is coming. Until then, enjoy the small museum-like Seinfeld signs.

1. “ASSMAN”

You know the story. You know the line. The world’s most famous proctological, vanity license plate is real – and it’s spectacular.

2. “Jerry: Why fusilli? | Kramer: “because you’re silly.”

Did you know the assman saga is snuggly within the “The Fusilli Jerry” episode? (My favorite episode is still “The Merv Griffin Set”) The “pasta spirals” figurine was probably made with super-glue if it lasted this long. The episode aired in 1995. That’s an impressive 13-years of adhesion if you’re counting.

3. “I don’t wanna be a pirate.”

Perhaps this is on leave from the Smithsonian. The Puffy Shirt features one of the most underrated guest appearances when Bryant Gumbel spurs the above line.

4. “No, no. A bra is for ladies. Meet the bro.”

This fan tribute may tell you all you need to know about the bro (or manzere).

5. “Super Terrific Happy Hour”

It costs more than $0.12 to mail things from Japan but it’s OK because these checks go for more on the open market. The royalty checks famous for causing super terrific Carpal Tunnel are properly written out to boot. I couldn’t see if they were endorsed by Jerry though.

And that’s it from the inside of the Seinfeld campus tour bus. There were probably 40 visitors when I was there (in the last half-hour of a three hour visit) so I’d estimate roughly 400+ people attended. Below there are a few signs that didn’t quite make the cut and make sure to check out the first link to see where the bus rolls next.

“Gortex.” “Superman.” “Nutria fur hat.”

(Links today from Wikipedia, YouTube, SeinfeldScripts.com and StanTheCaddy)

If you want to yell at Nate for this idea because it’s dumb, e-mail him. If you’re mad because this isn’t a location, you can’t let him know that too.
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Filed under Essays, Geography

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